Topical Steroid Withdrawal Journey - A Brown Girl

Ok. Ok.  I've decided to start recording this journey, as a way to release the tension that occasionally builds up inside of me in regards to what I'm going through.  The point of this story? I'm going through topical steroid withdrawal.

I wish I could say that I was steered towards topical steroids during a journey to counteract my childhood eczema.  But alas, the reason for topical steroid use for everyone else I've read about, through my research, is very different than my own. First, I'll say that I DID have childhood eczema.  I remember being about 10 years old, playing soccer, sweating, and dealing with itchy rashy skin.  One summer I had eczema all over the underside of my arm.  I WAS given corticosteroids at that point, and used them regularly until the eczema seemingly went away.  And at some point in my late teenage years, I assumed that I had outgrown eczema; I didn't need cream, I didn't have rashy breakouts, only teeny tiny patches of eczema like skin in very few areas over my body.  In my twenties, I would get small (smaller than a dime) sized areas, mostly on my arms, that would appear, itch, and then disappear with moisturizer.  But all in all, eczema wasn't a "thing" in my life anymore.   

Fast-forward to 2008, I moved from Houston Texas (having been there for a year) back home to New Jersey.  I would talk to my Mother on the phone at least once a week, during that time, as she lived in Maryland.  On one of our weekly phone calls, after I had moved, she told me to go pick up a moisturizer from the beauty supply store.  Since I had been in the harsh Texas sun for a year, and I was dark skinned, she wanted me to use the moisturizer because it would "beautify" my skin.  In hindsight, I should have known that my mother's translation for "beautify" was "lighten".  My mother grew up in an age where it seemed easier and more favorable to be light-skinned, and skinny.  So subconsciously she put that sterotype on her daughters; two brown-skinned, curvy girls.  I love my mother but she didn't raise me to feel that I was beautiful regardless of my color, or my shape.  She instilled fear in us.....So unbeknownst to me, I went to my local beauty supply store, following my mother's wishes, and ended up putting a steroid (Dermovate .05mg) on my face for about 8 years.  How did I come to know that I am going through withdrawal?

Well throughout the eight years, I used this cream....in the beginning.....my face got brighter.  It looked clear and perfect to me.  I didn't get a considerable amount lighter, but I always felt like I had a beautiful glow.  I remember throughout the years there were times when I would run out of the cream and not rush to the store to get more.  During those times, my skin would take a turn for the worst.  This might have been after four years of using the cream once a day, every day (mixed with some lotion to make it less thick).  After a week or so of not using the cream, my skin would break out.  And I always use to think it was JUST a break out because I was sweating more, or not cleaning my face well enough.  I always knew that the Dermovate made my skin beautiful so I would rush back to the beauty supply store, pick up the green and white box, and rush home to cleanse my skin and reap the benefits of the magical cream.  I didn't do research on what I was putting on my skin, I just knew that this cream that my Mom suggested gave me a confidence in my beauty that lifted my spirits.  Eventually, Dermovate became harder and harder to get in stores.  I remember rushing to one store on my lunch break, that was 30 minutes away just to pick up the last tubes that they had in stock. 

So then came March 20th, 2014....only a month ago (I'm one month and seven days in), I was given a sign from above.  Over the recent years, if you find Dermovate in a beauty supply store, its behind a locked glass display case.  The last time I bought the cream, was a bulk order from Amazon, which I shared some tubes with my mother.  But on March 20th, I was driving home, wondering why certain vitamins, or soaps that I would try, weren't showing me any signs of change at all; except a Biotin pill which seemed to affect my hair in a very negative way.  Well a voice came to me and said "research your Dermovate cream".  There had been a time in September when I just stopped using Dermovate and immediately saw a change in my skin, that reverted back when I used the cream again.  And in that moment of hearing the voice, I went back to that time last year, and wondered if I would always have to use Dermovate in order to have "normal" smooth skin.  When I started digging that night for information....a treasure trove of information about the product, about topical steroids, and topical steroid withdrawal came up.  I was shocked, and sad, and mad, and fearful in that moment..

In that first weekend of stopping the use of the cream, I had some serious depression.  Suicidal thoughts were swirling in my mind as I saw my skin darken, and get rough.  In doing more and more research, I got more and more depressed and angry.  My Mother introduced me to this demon cream...and I wasn't even using it for my eczema! I have since forgiven my Mom for her own ignorance of what she introduced me to, but I have since begun the daunting road to healing.  I'm a dark-skinned African American female, and I didn't use the cream for eczema as did the other victims to this terrible cream/steroid.

In this first month, I've experienced so much.  The skin around my eyes, which I didn't realize how thin it was, until it started healing; has since plumped up.  I can feel the thickening of the skin around my eyes.  Sometimes I wake up and they're really puffy, or stick together a little, but that has gotten better over the month.  I wake up with less puffy eyes, and I hope they continue to get better and better.  Since I started on this journey, my hair has gotten unruly.  It's suffering as well.  My hair feels thin, and has gotten porous, and breaks.  It's gotten better than in the beginning, but still I know, a ways to go.  My scalp and my face sporadically burn and itch, incessantly, but then subside.  It's an in and out type of deal.  Sometimes it's maddening, other times, I feel normal and itch/burn free.  My face looks a bit aged, in my opinion, my skin has darkened, and it looks as if I'm having a breakout, but people at work say I look "fine".  It's not easy to go through, especially since I'm not dating, and don't have family in this area/state that I live, but I'm doing what I have to do to endure.  I'm going to continue to write as an outlet, because times get really tough at times.